03 Forgiveness: Dealing With Hurts and Inner Wounds

Copyright © Michael A. Brown 2025

‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage... anger... and slander...  forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you’ (Eph. 4:31-32)

‘He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds’ (Psalm 147:3)

WE have all been wounded in life to varying degrees, often in our relationships with other people.  I have been hurt or wounded myself many times, even as a Christian believer and as a pastor.

In my ministry over the years, perhaps the bitterest person I have had to deal with was a lady who was then in her fifties and who had become a believer in one of the first churches I pastored.  As I sat with her in her home one evening with her family present, she began to pour out many of the wounds and hurts, the disillusionment and the bitterness which had built up within her over the past several decades of her life.  She seemed to me to be poisoned by bitterness.  After patiently listening to her for a while, I gently broke into what she was saying and told her clearly that, to get free of her bitterness, she needed to forgive the people who had hurt her and, if possible, to get reconciled with them.  She was stunned into silence by these words.  Nobody had ever told her this before, and to forgive other people seemed anathema to her.

However, that evening, after talking further with her and praying together with them, she promised that she would begin this process with a particular relative in her extended family with whom she had not spoken for about twenty years.  She would go, apologize and get reconciled with this person.  And, what’s more, she did it.  She then followed this up and did it again with other people as well.  It was not long before she began to be set free from the hurt and bitterness that had been rooted in her for so many years, and she became a thoroughly changed woman.  She became a light for the gospel in her town and remains a stalwart member of her church to this day.

Are you wounded inside?

Inner wounds, hurts and bruises are often caused by problems in our relationships with other people, but circumstances, events and disillusionment can also give rise to such hurts.  We can be wounded by people’s words, by their actions towards us, by their attitudes, by breaking relationships or by things that have happened to us, and so on.

If a physical wound in our bodies remains untreated, it may continue to bleed in a specific part of our body, weakening and debilitating us.  If it continues to remain untreated, infection can set in and it may go septic and fester.  The infection may then spread through our body, perhaps leading ultimately to death.

There is a parallel to this with inner spiritual wounds.  We are warned in Hebrews 12:15 not to allow bitterness to remain untreated, to take root and to grow up within us when we have been hurt: ‘See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.’  Allowing such a root to grow can turn the initial hurt and anger of the wound into resentment, rage, the poison of ongoing bitterness and even a desire for revenge.

Even though we may or may not have been at fault, or only partially so, regarding an offence done toward us, yet we often tend to make the conscious mistake of holding on to a hurt and becoming resentful, rather than seeking release from it and letting it go.  Someone once said that harbouring resentment is like drinking poison yourself, but expecting the other person to die.  So bitterness takes root, grows and begins to cause trouble.

Furthermore, in our inner hurt and anger, we often make the mistake of verbally speaking out our feelings of bitterness to other people, often slandering and cursing the character of the person who hurt us.  The atmosphere around us becomes sour.  The initial evil of the hurt done toward us has given rise to another evil within us, that of spreading it around amongst others.  This then begins to defile or even poison their minds and hearts, and can in particular affect their own attitude towards the person who hurt us which can become warped.  In effect, we treat those around us as the rubbish bin for our own problems.  This can then lead to gossip which spreads around among the community, defiling the minds of many people. 

Holding on to hurts and wounds and becoming bitter, can make our hearts become hardened (e.g. Matt. 19:8, Heb. 3:7-8), even sometimes towards God, and this can make us impervious to ministry, if we blame God for what happened.  We can become tormented in our minds and memories by the wound and its associated events, often remembering every single detail, knowing no inner peace.  This root of bitterness will remain – perhaps for years – until we agree with God to deal with it properly.  It is not a rare thing to find people who are still bitter over something that happened even decades ago.  Worse still, evil spirits can take advantage of our condition and gain a foothold in our life (Eph. 4:26-27), from which vantage point they can inwardly hinder our spiritual growth, continuing to torment and even bind us.

When we are bitter, we no longer relate in a healthy way to the person who hurt us, often distancing or even isolating ourselves.  We might leave our church because of a broken relationship caused by being hurt.  We may also be unable to relate effectively and maturely with other believers as well, remaining immature and unhealthy on the point on which we have been wounded because healthy spiritual growth becomes stifled.  We become chained to the problem in our past, and cannot move on in life healthy and free.  Time after time, whenever we think about or see that person, the undealt-with anger and bitterness within us rises up yet again.  With deep or long-standing wounds, it is so often the case that rarely a day or week goes by without thinking yet again about that person and what happened.

Forgiveness is the key to inner healing

Jesus taught his followers to pray: ‘Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors’ (Matt. 6:12), clearly showing that he expected that his followers would learn to forgive others.  As we saw in chapter 2, the underlying meaning of the Greek words aphesis (meaning ‘remission’ and used for forgiveness) and apoluo (Luke 6:37) is that of being loosed or released from something.  God looses and releases us from our indebtedness to him and from judgement, and thereafter chooses to not remember our sins anymore.  So forgiveness is the willingness to release someone from their indebtedness towards us and to let them go.

Jesus also taught that if we will not forgive other people, then God himself will not forgive us either: with the measure we use, it will be measured to us (Matt. 6:14-15, 7:2, 18:35).  The unmerciful servant took his own forgiveness for granted, but did not extend the same heart attitude of forgiveness to others who needed his mercy, and he paid a heavy price for this (see Matt. 18:21-35).  It is those who grant mercy, who receive it (Matt. 5:7) and God himself delights to show mercy (Mic. 7:18).

So our challenge in dealing with inner wounds is to imitate God (Eph. 5:1) who forgives those who sin against him: ‘forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you’ (Eph. 4:32, Col. 3:13).  Effectively, our choice is to stay as we are with our wound, staying chained to it in unforgiveness (or worse, becoming like the person who hurt us by rendering evil for evil), or to become like God and so become free.  By becoming like God, we become free ourselves (Matt. 5:48).

Jesus’ own heart attitude on the cross was one of forgiveness.  As we saw in chapter 11, he kept himself inwardly free of the temptation to resent and hate those who had sinned against him.  He remained inwardly free by refusing to hold on to any of the hurt he felt, by forgiving them.  His words ‘Father, forgive them for they know not what they do’ (Luke 23:34) show us the key to our own inner healing: granting full and free forgiveness to those who have hurt us, through the grace of the Holy Spirit working within us.  The call to follow in Jesus’ footsteps is also a call to give forgiveness to others as a lifestyle.  If we are to keep on forgiving people and be inwardly healed of the hurts they have caused us (cf. Matt. 18:21), then we need the grace of God to be working actively in our lives.

So forgiveness is not a matter of words, of just saying it.  In order for us to be truly healed and set free, forgiveness has to be from the heart: full, complete and total, through the grace of God working within us.  Genuine forgiveness simply means a willingness to fully release the person who hurt us, without holding on anymore to any of the hurt, letting it all go.  So it is a choice we make.  However, holding on to an attitude of unforgiveness simply condemns us to remaining chained to our wound from the past with all of its inward torment.

If we refuse to forgive a particular person (for whatever reason) and unforgiveness gets rooted in our heart as a consequence, the likelihood is that we then begin to not forgive yet other people as well when they too hurt us.  As a result, unforgiveness becomes a lifestyle, resulting in a seemingly endless cycle of hurts and broken relationships together with an ever-increasing accumulation of inward bitterness, an ongoing bondage from which we find it all but impossible to break free.

Not every believer has stolen in the past or is a gossip in the present, but every believer will certainly be tested sooner or later in this area of forgiveness.  Being unwilling to forgive means that we are not living in the grace of God’s kingdom or under his authority, and so its effects and the spread of its evil continue, whereas forgiveness closes the door on continuing evil in our lives and opens the door to God’s blessings upon us.

We need to realise that releasing those who hurt us and forgiving them is not the same thing as letting them ‘get off scot free.’  This is a point which many young believers get confused about, and their misunderstanding is rooted in the seeming injustice of forgiveness.  Forgiving someone seems like letting them off the hook and letting them get away with what they did or said, whereas our hearts cry out for justice (and perhaps even revenge!).  They don’t deserve it!  However, the willingness to forgive comes about through being open to allowing the grace of God to work in our lives.  His grace can work in and through us when we open our hearts, but not when we close them.  We forgive others and release them because God in his grace and mercy also forgave us when we ourselves did not deserve it (Eph. 4:32).  In releasing us from our own indebtedness towards himself, God shows us his way to live.  Furthermore, forgiveness is something that we do primarily for our own sakes, not for the sake of the person who hurt us.  In releasing them, we are released ourselves from the burden we have carried internally, and this allows God to bring healing to our inner wound, washing away all the poison and bitterness that is in our own heart, so that we are no longer chained to what happened in the past.

However, although we choose to forgive and release the other person, yet this does not absolve them of their responsibility before God for what happened or of reaping the consequences of what they did.  The person still has to answer to God, so this means that we can release them into his hands and trust him to deal with them.  We do not need to seek revenge: ‘“Vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the LORD’ (Rom. 12:19).  However, if they repent, God will also forgive them, just as he also forgives us.  If they repent of what they did, he will not withhold his forgiveness from them.  Just look at David’s heart-cry of repentance in psalm 51.  God forgave him, and yet he still had to face the consequences of what he had done.

When we are willing to forgive the other person, this releases the Holy Spirit to be able to bring conviction to them, and this may then lead to repentance on their part as they realise their wrong, so bringing about the possibility of reconciliation in our relationship with them.  However, to become free and stay free, we ourselves must forgive the person whether they repent or not (and we must also forgive ourselves for any part we played in the situation).  But God’s wider intention in forgiveness is not only to free us within ourselves from the hurt, hostility and tormented feelings that we have towards the person who hurt us, it is also to wash away the inward feelings of guilt, failure and shame that that person may have (if they repent), so that genuine reconciliation and a new beginning in our relationship together become possible.

Forgiveness, reconciliation and trust

Forgiveness brings about the potential for reconciliation with the other person, and re-establishing the broken or strained relationship is certainly the ideal (cf. Matt. 18:15).  However, it is important not to confuse forgiveness and reconciliation; they are not the same thing.  Reconciliation presupposes that both parties have accepted any wrong they have done and are both willing to apologize and put things right.  However, this is not always the case.  You may indeed forgive on your part, yet the other person may not be willing to admit their wrong and may continue to justify themselves.  In such cases, true reconciliation is not possible until the other person also changes.

So if you have forgiven the other person, it is important not to rush immediately and naïvely into trying to reconcile the relationship.  This needs to be handled prayerfully and with wisdom, and it is a good thing to seek counsel from your pastor (or his wife) about this step and about when you should attempt to speak to the person about the problem that occurred (cf. Matt. 18:15-16).  Although you may have forgiven the person, yet you are still tender and the other person may not be ready to reconcile yet.  They may be unrepentant still, or may not even care at all about what happened between you.  Furthermore, for a strained relationship to be re-established, mutual trust has to be regained.  This will take time and in fact it is not always possible to regain trust in the relationship.

If you are aware that the person is not really willing to accept any wrong doing on their part, then, even though you yourself have forgiven them, it is wise to keep an appropriate distance in your relationship with them.  This will prevent you from being hurt again in a similar way by that person.  You need to protect yourself.  In some cases, it is better simply to let the person be and let God deal with them.  Move on from it all yourself in your new, healed and released state and maintain your inner freedom.

Helpful scriptures

There are many Bible verses that encourage us to believe that God wants to heal and free us from our inner wounds.  The following verses are just some examples that we can read and meditate upon.  God is a God who heals, and this was exemplified especially in the ministry of Jesus which was characterized by healing people.

‘He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds’ (Ps. 147:3)

‘A bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out’ (Isa. 42:3)

‘He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted… to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve…’ (Isa. 61:1-3)

‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every kind of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you’ (Eph. 4:31-32)

Steps to inner freedom and healing

The following steps will help you to get healed and freed inwardly from your wound and its bitterness.

a.      Be honest about your condition: you have a root festering within you, which is causing bondage within you and a lack of inner freedom and peace.

b.      Do not continue to give in to the temptation to repay evil with evil, slandering and cursing the person or trying to take revenge (Rom. 12:17,19).

c.       Stop talking about the problem to other people, and expressing the bitterness that you feel (Eph. 4:29).  You don’t have the right to defile other people with your bitterness, anger, gossip and slander.

d.      Recall the issue.  What happened?  Who was the person?  When did it happen?  How did it happen?

e.       Recognize and accept that God was not at fault concerning what happened.  Accusing him will simply prevent you from receiving the very grace and healing power you need and that he can give you.  The problem was caused in daily living itself and probably in a relational situation.

f.        The crucial issue in the process of finding inner freedom is not to miss God’s grace (Heb. 12:15) which is always available to you (Heb. 4:16).

g.      Open up to God about the problem, and also to your pastor (or his wife) who can handle your problem in a discreet and mature way (1 John 1:7).

h.      Confess your need to be healed and released, and also confess your own sins: any mistakes you yourself may have made in the situation, in consciously holding on to the hurt you suffered, and perhaps also of spreading it around among others.

i.        Opening up to God about the problem means that you bring it into the light, rather than keeping it buried deep within.  Invite Jesus to be present – he is eternal and was there when it happened, and he knows all about it.  As you open it up to him, invite and allow him to specifically touch, cleanse, heal and free the tender, vulnerable and wounded part of you.

j.        Prayerfully, take a stand of faith and command any evil spirits to depart from you, and proclaim to them that you are retaking the ground within you that they have stolen from you.

k.      Prayerfully, ask the Holy Spirit to flood you inwardly with his grace which can strengthen and save you, and can completely release you from the bondage you are in.  God’s grace works at a deeper level than sin and its effects within us (Rom. 5:20-21).  It will heal, cleanse and free you from all the hurt, pain, anger and bitterness you feel.

l.        Claim and receive the freedom and healing you need, according to the promises of God’s word.

m.    Forgive yourself for any part you played in the situation, and know freedom from any inward feelings of guilt, failure and shame you feel, so that you can move on from it all.

n.      Agree with God that you must completely release and forgive the person or people who wounded you, and do this as a conscious act of your will, expressing it verbally also.

o.      Begin to pray for them that God will bless them (Luke 6:28, Rom. 12:20).

Go through these steps to freedom as many times as you need until inward release and freedom come.  It may be necessary with deep or longstanding wounds to go through these steps several times, and full release may not come about for some time, but perseverance will indeed bring about the freedom you need, if you are willing to completely forgive.